God Quotes from Godfellas (Futurama)
(Top Posts - Philosophy (General) - 082902)

I saw the following when it was originally aired, and
had mixed feelings about it. Being a disbeliever in
traditional faiths (a disbeliever in all religious faiths,
actually), I identified with its irreverence towards tradi-
tional faith.

However, there is a subtle apologetics towards tradi-
tional faith embedded in the following. Perhaps, de-
pending on one's particular views, there are differ-
ent messages (both supportive and distanced from
support) regarding religious faith in the following.

I'm not sure this translates well from the cartoon
half-hour televised format to written script / news-
group format, but nevertheless, for those who have
the interest to read through the following, for what-
ever message one's personal perspective finds of
merit, herewith is most of the script from the futuristic
Simpson's spinoff, Futurama, the Godfellas episode
(references to more info included at the end) . . .

- - -

Original air date: 3/17/2002

Description: A space vacuum sucks Bender into
a celestial realm where he makes devastating
decisions.

God quotes ... or, more accurately, quotes related
to God, in some way ... basically, almost the entire
script:

- - -

Bender ... a robotic entity with intelligence and wit ...
floating through space ... accidentally ejected from
a spacecraft, perhaps for an eternity of loneliness ...

... begins discarding contains of SWAG (Scientific
Wild-Ass Guesses) - amongst the contents, happens
upon a Rolex watch -and- an ostentatious candelabra
resembling a symbol of Judaism ... "fated to drift
forever through the void as gravity's plaything" ...

... and then ... runs into an asteroid field which he
barely survives ... and amongst the debris, he is
hit by a glob containing an intelligent aggregate of
... Shrimpkins ...

Shrimpkin spokesman: Fellow Shrimpkins, behold
him that hath taken us unto his breast.

Bender: Holy frijoles.

Shrimpkin spokesman: All bow before the great
metal Lord.

Bender: Worshippers? This ought to liven up my
my endless tragic voyage (hoo-ah-hah-hoo-ah-hah
hoo-ah-hah-ah-hah).

[commercial break]

Shrimpkin spokesman: All hail the metal Lord.

Shrimpkins: So hailed.

Bender: Hmmm, those pigglies think I'm God, huh..
Hard to blame 'em.

[Bender reaches down and picks up a Shrimpkin,
placing him 'neath one of his eyeballs]

Bender: I am the metal Lord. Who are you?

Shrimpkin: I am called Malachi, Lord. It means, hmm,
he who really loves the metal Lord.

Bender: Listen here, Malachi, time for a religious dona-
tion. Hand over your wallet.

Malachi: But Lord, we are a poor and simple folk.

Bender: Poor!?! Ah, crap.

[places Malachi back onto the glob ... zoom in on
Malachi's home]

Malachi: Pity me not, for I am richened by the love of
my family.

Malachi's wife [sewing a cloth that says "METAL LORD
IS MY METAL SHEPHERD", beside her young son
and a baby]: What are't thou doing, Malachi, Jr.?

Malachi, Jr. [hugging a vase]: I'm practicing to hug daddy
when he gets back from God.

Bender [lifting up Malachi, again]: Uh, gag unto me with
a spoon. Malachi? It's high time I lay down a few com-
mandments. You got a chisel? Lay this down.

(uh--hmmm) Number one.

Shrimpkin spokesman: Behold, the one commandment.
[holds up rock plaque with "GOD NEEDS BOOZE"]

Bender: Make it a double.

... [skip scene where Bender's friends are searching
for him] ...

- - -

[as opening song from 2001: A Space Odyssey plays,
Bender is shown floating through space with his
Shrimpkin colony on his belly and a large tank of
Lordweiser prominently featured]

Bender: [partaking of the Lordweiser brew via a con-
nected hose] Ooh, microbrewed, my guys did alright.
I think I'll make my countenance to shine down upon
them. [picks up Malachi]

Malachi, good work. There's no slowin' down with the
metal Lord tonight.

Malachi: Yes, tonight is kind of special.

Bender: Wait a second. Did you rip off your own arm as
a joke?

Malachi: Nay, like most of your followers I was maimed
building the great brewery. Others died from the pesti-
lent fumes it spewed forth. And of course, the liquor
industry attracted organized crime.

[span of some wounded Shrimpkins, a large number of
graves, and Malachi's wife firing a machine gun back at
two cars firing machine guns at her, her baby, and Mala-
chi, Jr.]

Bender: Ah, it's all my fault. Malachi, tell thy people that
the Lord is moved by their plight. [Bender sheds tears
causing massive floods, with Malachi, Jr. barely holding
on to a tree limb to avoid drowning]

Malachi's wife: Malachi, Jr. - No!

Malachi, Jr.: Daddy, I can't hold much longer. My arms are
tired from hugging.

Malachi: Save him, save my son oh metal Lord.

Bender: This looks like a job for God. [reaches down and
snatches Malachi, Jr. from the flood, placing him safely
on dry land ... Shrimpkins bow to Bender and chant]

[Bender lifts up Malachi] What the ... Malachi, what manner
of deal is this with the chanting?

Malachi: They saw you save my son. Now everyone is pray-
ing for their own miracles.

Bender: Ah, very well. What do they want?

Malachi (pointing in one direction): The people of that village
pray for wealth. [Bender reaches down, finds a coin, and
flips it into that village, crushing a bunch of Shrimpkins].

Bender: (uh-ahduh-hmm-oh) That was a *practice* miracle.
Who's next?

Malachi: The farmers pray for sunlight so their barley might
make a more refreshing beer for today's God on the go.

Bender: Very well, let there be light. [closes a visor reflecting
a sun ray onto the farmers' crops, setting them ablaze ...
farmers scream and bow in fear]

I got it, I got it. [Bender blows out the flame, but also blows
the farmers off his belly and into space]

Uh, when you're writing the Bible, you might want to omit
that last miracle.

- - -

... [skip to scene where Fry (Bender's human friend) is
seeking to find Bender ... from Earth ... starts his search at
the "First Amalgamated Church". On the front of the church
is an individual with a quarter moon above his head, four
stars over his right shoulder, four stars over his left shoulder,
a Jewish Star of David in his right hand, and a Christian cross
in his left hand] ...

Fry: ... I can't believe you're gone. I won't. If I can't reach
you physically, I'll just have to try something desperate and
crazy.

[at church office] So that's my story, Father Changstein-El-
Gamal. Is there anything religion can do to help me find my
friend?

Father Changstein-El-Gamal: Well, we could join together in
prayer.

Fry: Uh-huh. But is there anything useful we could do?

Father Changstein-El-Gamal: No.

- - -

[Fry goes to fortune teller]

Fortune teller: Sure, I'll hold seance, channel your friend, no
problem. Insert coin.

[Fry inserts coin]

Ohhh. I am your friend, Bonder.

Fry: Bonder? Is it really you?

Fortune teller: Yes. I am fine. Give the gypsy ten dollars.

Fry: Wait a minute. Bender's name isn't Bonder, it's Bender.
You're a fraud.

Fortune teller: Look, you want false hope or not?

Fry: Only if you don't have any real hope.

Fortune teller: Well, there is perhaps one way. Have you
heard of the Monks of Deshuba?

Fry: I've not heard of them.

Fortune teller: They are an ancient order that believes God
exists somewhere in the depths of space. They have built
the universe's most powerful radio telescope high in the
Himalayas to search for him.

Fry: You think they'd let me use it to look for Bender?

Fortune teller: What am I, psychic? I mean ... yes, yes, I'm
sure they will, yes.

- - -

[back to Bender floating through space, doing the back
stroke, as a classical tune from 2001: A Space Odyssey
plays]

Malachi: Oh metal Lord, hear my prayer.

Bender: Ahhhh. Yes, Malachi, what is it this time?

[note, the glob that was on Bender's front is now on Bender's
front and rear]

Malachi: My Lord, the infidels on your back no longer believe
in you. They say their prayers go unheeded.

Bender: Of course they're unheeded. How am I supposed to
hear prayers coming out of my ass?

Malachi: They talk of war against the faithful. I beseech thee,
rise up against them, smite someone who deserves it for
once.

Bender: Ah, Malachi, every time I interfere, I only make things
worse. You're best off solving your own problems.

Malachi: But, but, metal Lord.

Bender: What part of nay dothn't thou understand?

[skip scene where Fry and Leela (a one-eyed attractive alien)
are preparing to journey to see the Monks of Deshuba]

- - -

[Malachi opening The Bible by Bender with Malachi - opening
page shows Bender hitting a lion with an upper right to the jaw]

Bender: [observing the reading of the Bible] Now that's one
Bible that doesn't disappoint on every page. Looks like so-
ciety's running pretty well without my meddling. [doy, planes
overflying, dropping atomic bombs]

Atomic bombs? Ah, no. Those unbelievers from my back-
side must have found my nuclear pile.

Malachi: Fear not, my Lord. We shall be with you soon.

Bender: You're with me now. This is the maximum level of
being with me.

Malachi: We will solve our own problems as you commanded.
The time has come to convert the unbelievers.

Bender: Convert them?

Malachi: To radioactive vapor [ground-launched atomic mis-
siles sent to Bender's backside, resulting in nuclear annihil-
ation for the unfortunate backside Shrimpkins, or so it first
appears].

Malachi, Jr.: Look, daddy. I'm hugging God. Hmmm. Hmmm.
Maybe if I hug him real hard, he'll save us from ... [nuclear
explosion destroys Malachi's family and nuclear bombs are
going off all over Bender's front and back sides]

Bender: Aw, oh, it tickles, hahaha, ohhh, hahaha, ow ...

- - -

Bender: Hello? Is anyone still alive? How about in the porno
theater? [Ezekiel's Nasty House] Don't be embarrassed.
[Bender takes the roof off the theater]

Ah, they're dead. All dead. Who would have known playing
God could have such terrible consequences? [Bender
crying]

- - -

[Leela, Fry, and a guide climbing up a mountain, in the snow]

Leela: Fry, if I drop dead from exhaustion, make sure my body
dies in a dignified position. None of that huddled over for
warmth crap.

Guide: Behold, the monastery of Deshuba. I must leave you
now, for I am not holy enough to enter.

Fry: OK [skip scene where Fry, Leela, and a donkey are wel-
comed to the monastery via a rickety bridge conveyer belt]

- - -

[Bender, floating through space without any Shrimpkins, in
tears, gazing at a galaxy]

Bender: Hey, that galaxy is signaling in binary. I've got to sig-
nal back. But I only know enough binary to ask where the
bathroom is. You speak English?

Galaxy God: I do now. [Bender is sucked into the galaxy]

Bender: What are you, some kind of galactic computer?

Galaxy God: Possible, I am user-friendly, my good chum.

Bender: Who built you?

Galaxy God: I have always been.

Bender: Oh, my God. Are you God?

Galaxy God: Possible. I do feel compassion for all living
things, my good chum.

Bender: But why would God think in binary, unless, you're
not God, but the remains of a computerized space probe
that collided with God?

Galaxy God: That seems probable.

- - -

[Monks in the observatory on Earth, talking to Leela & Fry]

Monk leader: A member of our brotherhood sits at these
controls, every hour, every day, scanning the heavens for
God.

Monk at controls: There he is. No, no wait, no.

Leela: How long have you been at it?

Monk leader: 700 years. We've not yet examined one/ten
millionth of the sky, but we will go on until we find the al-
mighty, even if it takes to the end of time.

Fry: And then what?

Monk leader: Then we utter unto him a short prayer. You
see, the telescope is also an amplifying transmitter.

Leela: Sort of like a giant karaoke machine?

Monk leader: Not really. Would you like to see our giant
karaoke machine?

Leela: Not really.

Fry: [places arm over Monk leader's back, hand on Monk
leader's shoulder] Hmmm, finding God. That's important,
yeah. But you know what might be a treat for everyone?
If you let me use the telescope to find my lost friend
Bender.

Monk leader: I, I don't know what to say other than, abso-
lutely not. Your loss is a tragedy but our work ...

Fry: Ah, come on. You guys have forever to look for God.
All I'm asking is one measly lifetime to find my friend.

Monk at controls: He speaks out of love for his friend. Per-
haps that love in his heart *is* God.

Monk leader: Oh, how convenient. A theory about God that
doesn't require looking through a telescope. Get back to
work!

Fry: That telescope is as much mine as anybody's. I'm
using it whether you give me permission or not.

[Monks get in karate stances]

Leela: Your order may be famous for its martial arts, but
I've never met a holy man that I couldn't clobber.

[Monks go back to calm appearance]

Monk leader: Actually, we only practice martial arts as a
form of meditation. We are a strictly non-violent sect.

Leela: Oh, then get in the laundry room or I'll kick your butts.

[Monks traipsing into the laundry room]

Monk follower: Ah, this is the worst crazy sect I've ever
been in.

- - -

[Bender talking to Galaxy God]

Bender: So, do you know what I'm going to do before I do
it?

Galaxy God: Yes.

Bender: What if I do something different?

Galaxy God: Then I don't know that.

Bender: Cool, cool. I bet a lot of people pray to you, huh?

Galaxy God: Yes, but there are so many asking so much.
After a while, you just sort of tune it out.

Bender: You know, I was God once.

Galaxy God: Yes, I saw. You were doing well until everyone
died.

Bender: It was awful. I tried helping them. I tried not helping
them. But in the end, I couldn't do them any good. Do you
think what I did was wrong?

Galaxy God: Right and wrong are just words. What matters
is what you do.

Bender: Yeah, I know. That's why I asked if what I did ... ah,
forget it.

Galaxy God: Bender, being God isn't easy. If you do too much,
people get dependent on you, and if you do nothing, they
lose hope. You have to use a light touch, like a safecracker
or a pickpocket.

Bender: Or a guy who burns down a bar for the insurance
money.

Galaxy God: Yes, if you make it look like an electrical thing.
When you do things right, people won't be sure you've
done anything at all.

Bender: Does that mean you wouldn't send me back to Earth,
even if I prayed to you?

Galaxy God: Earth? Which way is that?

Bender: I don't know.

- - -

[skip to scene where Fry gives up on finding Bender, hits
the controls at the observatory, and walks away forlorn]

Fry: I wish I had Bender back . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Galaxy God: Huh?

Bender: [sleeping and awakened] Hey, what? You say
somethin'?

Galaxy God: Hmmm, no, no. Well, so long. Remember what
we talked about. [sends Bender back towards Earth . . .]

- - -

[. . . Bender parachutes down to Earth, in front of Leela and
Fry walking by the observatory]

Fry: Bender, it's a miracle.

Leela: This is by a wide margin the least likely thing that has
ever happened.

Bender: Guys, you'll never believe what happened. First,
I was God, then I met God.

Fry: We climbed a mountain and locked up some Monks.

Leela: Oh no, the Monks. We forgot to let them out of the
laundry room.

Fry: Ahhh, do we have to? I'm sure their God will let them
out, or at least give them more shoes to eat.

Bender: Fat chance. You can't count on God for jack. He
pretty much told me so himself. Now come on, if we don't
save those Monks, then no one will.

[. . . transition . . . back to . . . Galaxy god . . .]

Galaxy God: [huhuhuhuhuh] When you do things right, people
won't be sure you've done anything at all.

- - - end - - -

References:

Can't Get Enough Futurama:
Episode Capsule: 3ACV20 - Godfellas
http://www.gotfuturama.com/Information/Capsules/3ACV20/

Can't get enough Futurama: Sounds: Godfellas
http://www.gotfuturama.com/Multimedia/EpisodeSounds/3ACV20/

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